Jordan’s Twenties: The Playlist
You know we love a playlist here at Fahr + Away. Normally, we do a “liner notes” post for our playlists, but I’m not doing that today.
My twenties were, as I’m sure yours were, emotional in the truest, most robust sense of the word. Does anyone have greater capacity for nuanced emotion than a twenty-something? I think, no.
There’s a near-infinite number of emotions I experienced in my twenties but, in the interest of simplicity, I’ll consolidate to three:
9% – The kind of invincibility that only a 21 year-old who’s figured out she’s in her prime WHILE she’s in her prime is capable of feeling;
40% – Basic, everyday satisfaction;
51% – Intensely personal, agonizing, often world-shattering feelings of disappointment and loss and oh-my-god-I-fucked-this-up and oh-my-god-YOU-fucked this-up and resentment and pain and WHY-AREN’T-YOU-LISTENING-TO-ME-GOD-DAMNIT and this-isn’t-my-fault and wait-is-this-my-fault and just-because-you’re-pissed-doesn’t-mean-I’m-wrong.
Also, the occasional hangover.
I have a feeling that, give or take a few percentage points, our breakdowns probably aren’t that different. We understand each other. So, I don’t think I need to go into the emotional or developmental significance of every song on this playlist – just assume they all fall into one of those three categories and let your imagination do the work.
I’m trying to spare you the one-day-older-but-a-decade-wiser reflections, so I’ll just say one more thing. If there is one thing that I am truly proud of today, it’s this: I have managed to get through my twenties with no regrets.
There are certainly things I have said or ways I handled things that, with a gun to my head, I’d be ready to apologize for. A simple call or text would also work, for anyone getting any unsavory ideas.
But, as far as thoughts of, “I think my life would be better now if…” – true regrets – I just don’t have them.
Here is what I know (and what, depending on who you are, I need you to know, too): I stayed when I needed to stay. I left when I needed to leave. I didn’t apologize when I wasn’t sorry. I spoke up. I cut my losses. I held out my hand and allowed myself to be pleasantly surprised when people took it. I got good and comfortable with the idea that someone else’s feelings and my reality are not mutually exclusive. I allowed myself to be hated. I allowed myself to be loved, which is way harder. I charged. I retreated. I sat still.
I did exactly what I needed to do when I needed to do it. And I don’t regret any of it.
This day is dedicated to my mom and to Joe, who were here then and are here now, despite the fact that every word of this is true.
Generator by Foo Fighters
Girl Sailor by The Shins
Boys Boys Boys by Lady Gaga
Somebody Else by The 1975
Such Great Heights by Iron & Wine
Why Can’t You Be by Third Eye Blind
Mama, You Been on My Mind by Jeff Buckley
Christmas Lights by Coldplay